The Tale of Scratchies...

So...

We are human beings and we sleep at night.

Certain animals do not.

The past few weeks we have had loud scratching underneath our bedroom floor boards. This thing would also knock over our trash-can and drag its contents all over the yard and driveway.... this does not make for a happy wife... and thus there is no happy husband.

I have thought it was a groundhog that lived under there(I had seen one in the yard before) ... and today I came home from work and saw a groundhog outside of our bed room window. I went ran outside after I had grabbed the closest death object I could find.

I crept up on it and literally got within 2 feet of the foul beast with my hammer raised in the air.... For a happy wife I knew I must do the deed.

Then, it turned and looked at me with a mouth full of grass, or some other object that belonged in our yard and not in its mouth, I froze. I couldn't pull the trigger... or throw the hammer. It ran off...

I put a board over the hole by our house that I knew was his bat cave entrance. I thought he was gone for good...

I was wrong.

The groundhog had a friend working on the inside.

ACT 2

The Wife and I were watching a movie in the living room and we started to hear some banging and general tomfoolery.

I grabbed my flashlight and crowbar (an upgrade from the wooden handled hammer) and ran outside to see if the groundhog was trying to get back in his batcave. I still heard noises and there was nothing there.

Then it happened.

I heard the scream from the inside of our abode.

My wife was in the bathroom screaming...

I sprinted inside to find her standing in the hallway just after she had slammed the bathroom door... she was freaked!

She said it was in our bathroom!

I gripped my weapon and cracked open the door... (after I had sent Maureen off of course)

I saw a claw under the doorway and it ran behind the dryer.

I opened the door more... the bathroom was a wreck. Mud on the sink. Paw prints on the mirror. Medicine strewn across the floor. The towel rack was tipped over with towels all over...

I looked behind the dryer. I saw the glowing eyes of a Raccoon. The man on the inside!

How did he get in!?

We have a little tiny door that opens up to water pipes in the wall for a quick turn off. He had climbed through and infiltrated the fortress!

Animal control in A-town was closed. I needed to rely on my own strength.

I tried many methods of slaying the coon-dragon.

I pinned it behind the dryer in a corner.

I noosed it around the neck with rope.

It hissed.

It gnawed... the rope snapped.

I broke a broom trying to get at its power with blunt force...

I tried and tried with no sight of success.

Then, when hope had all but faded...

It broke free from its state and tried to climb back to the dark pit that it had come from...

I gave it a swift blow to the skull and it ran into the moat (the tub) instead!!!!

I yelled for the great Maureen to grab me a large plastic tote...

She came back swiftly with the cage in hand.

I opened the shower curtain and slammed the cage over the beast that had come from the pits of hell.

I slid the lid underneath and tied it up with rope.

... I have conquered the beast!

I Just had to drive out to river road and chuck the dumb thing of a bridge into the river below and speed off. Dumb animal.

I kept the cage.

The End!